The Boss Caught My Friend Stealing, and She Blames Me

Conducive advice columnist, Dr. Kathy Hahner, gives advice on how to deal with a friend who passes the blame for her own theft.

JUNE/JULY 2010 CONDUCIVE

Dear Dr. Kathy,

A co-worker of mine, Stephanie (name changed) and I worked together for six years.  After working together for so long, we became good friends and started spending time together outside of work.  Eight months ago, I found out that Stephanie was stealing from the company.  Had it been something minor, then I think I could have told her not to do it anymore and that would have been the end of it.  But she took some large items, worth a pretty good amount of money.  I confronted her and told her that I knew about what was going on.

Stephanie tried at first to deny it, but then eventually admitted it and told me not to tell anyone about it and that she would stop.  I knew that she did not stop stealing after that, but I continued to urge her to come clean about the whole affair to our employer.  I guess our boss figured something out, because he brought me in as part of an investigation and asked me if I knew anything about it.  I felt torn, but I ended up telling the truth about what I knew.  Stephanie was fired, but thankfully they didn’t press any criminal charges.  She knew immediately that it was me, and she was furious.   I can’t help feeling guilty, even though I feel like I did the right thing.

Sincerely,

Hopeless in Vallejo

Dear Hopeless,

Your letter raises a number of psychological and ethical issues.  First, I have to marvel at the fact that you don’t seem to see the irony, that Stephanie (as you call her) was “furious” at you.  You went above and beyond the call of duty to a friend when you initially failed to report her after she continued to steal (and you entered a grey, if not black, ethical area.)  It would have been one thing if Stephanie had forgotten to return a cheap ballpoint pen and some paper clips to her desk, but she stole some big ticket items, a felony.  We might be more sympathetic to Stephanie were she stealing to pay for her uninsured sister’s cancer treatment or to help orphaned Haitian children, though her behavior still wouldn’t have been ethical.  From your description of her, I’m guessing that wasn’t the case.

You say that “thankfully” Stephanie was only fired and not prosecuted.  Sounds like the only one who was thankful was you, not Stephanie who, like all sociopaths (yes, she’s probably sociopathic) showed no remorse.  In fact, she first denied what she was doing when you confronted her, then talked you into remaining silent (technically, an accomplice?)  And when she was finally caught, she blamed you for the consequences of her actions.  (“Sociopathy” is called “Antisocial Personality Disorder” in DSM-IV, but since the name for the disorder was changed back and forth in previous DSMs, I’ll use “sociopathic” and “antisocial” interchangeably.)

Of course you did the right thing by initially confronting Stephanie when you discovered her side biz.  And you did the only thing you possible could/should have done when you fessed up in the end.  Many a friend and colleague would have informed management at the outset and/or ended the friendship, if, for no other reason but to protect their own reputation, even their job.  Instead, you chose friendship over ethics and could have implicated yourself.  Not to be too hard on you, but I don’t think you were doing Stephanie a favor by letting her think she could be a thief without even considering the consequences, much less taking responsibility for them.

Eventually, you were put in a position where you had to tell the truth.  It was futile anyway, since, as you said, your “boss figured something out,” and it was no coincidence that you were the worker he called in.  So, what happened?  Stephanie, true to her sociopathic nature, showed no remorse for her actions and no gratitude toward you for your one-person intervention, when you’d tried to stop her on her collision course.

The cherry on top: Stephanie was furious at and blamed you.  She must be a very charming and clever sociopath (many are) to leave YOU feeling guilty.  You failed to stop Stephanie, and were on shaky ethical grounds when you did so.  Let’s forget guilt, and just say that you need to take responsibility, not for what happened to Stephanie (she was lucky to simply have been fired)–but for letting yourself be fooled by a sociopath, while possibly risking your own reputation and job.

Your initial failure at getting Stephanie to stop was no surprise to me.  Sociopaths have no or little conscience, are impulsive, and can be personable and persuasive.  Welcome to my world–I’ve tried to treat more than one sociopath in psychotherapy.  The party line is that only behavior modification makes a dent in the sociopathic personality.  That’s why Jeffrey Dahmer, the convicted murderer who cannibalized his victims, went to prison instead of a mental hospital.  He wasn’t insane (he didn’t hear voices from outer space ordering him to kill and cannibalize his dates.)  He had Antisocial Personality Disorder (and a few other personality disorders as well.)  Certainly, Stephanie is no Dahmer, but she is anti-social and shows no remorse, the hallmarks of the disorder.

Please don’t think I’m scolding you.  I only hope that I’ve reminded you of the danger in doing whatever a friend asks of you, and that you will be more careful in picking friends worthy of your loyalty.

Biography:

Dr. Kathryn Hahner is a New York based psychologist in private practice. She earned her Ph.D. in academic psychology, geared toward teaching and research. She also received extensive clinical training and has spent most of her career as a clinical psychologist.

Dr. Hahner’s dissertation area was the psychology of humor. She is a stand-up comedian, as well as a musician and award-winning artist. She believes that humor is what she terms, “transcendent,” when it helps us to work through tragedy by transforming it into humor. She considers the late Richard Pryor to be the greatest practitioner of transcendent comedy and tries to follow in his footsteps, while humbly admitting that she has much smaller feet.

Dr. Hahner’s passion is to help end animal abuse. She served for years, along with MDs, on the board of directors of an organization that promoted, on scientific grounds, alternatives to animal models in research. Dr. Hahner also advocates for human victims.

Do you want the doctor to answer your questions? Write kathy(@)conducivemag.com Due to the high volume of mail, Dr. Hahner will not be able to address each question. We will not publish your name.
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