Dr. Mai Kieu-Loan offers relationship advice to a female law student and highlights the differences in how men and women handle dating in graduate school.
Stressed Graduate
Student
By Dr. Mai Kieu-Loan
APRIL/MAY 2010 CONDUCIVE
Dear Dr. Mai Kieu-Loan,
I am a second year law student with a part-time job. Recently, I was reminded of how hard it is to juggle school, work, and a relationship. One of my friends told me that she never gets to see her fiance, since they are in a long-distance relationship. As I started to empathize with what she was saying, I realized that even though I am dating someone at my law school, who is often right down the hall, my demanding schedule rarely allows me to spend time with him. There is always another assignment, due date, or court case to prepare for. I barely have time to sleep or exercise as it is, let alone attend to the basic needs of my relationship. How can I continue to nurture a healthy relationship when I don’t have time to take care of my own basic needs?
Signed,
Stressed Graduate Student
Dear Stressed Graduate Student:
I could state many platitudes of how love survives, true love always find a way, and where love trends, happiness and understanding always follow.
If you actually went for the Disney routine, however, you probably would not be questioning your relationship at this time and the stress that impacts it. And, if I started on that path, well, it would be an endless prattle about happily ever after, mice sewing your ball gown and you singing soprano with bluebirds in a wooded forest.
Also, you probably know that glass slippers tend to shatter unless they are always carried on a pillow, or in a pocket and never dropped. Being in law school, the only thing you are probably carrying are huge constitutional law books. Nary a pillow in sight, I am sure.
The relationship conflict you are experiencing is real and very common for female students in graduate school. Breathe. There are several reasons why you may feel the way you do. There are also several ways to approach these moments of uncertainty. More importantly, there are several things to understand about yourself.
First, early research on gender differences has shown that the impact and experience of relationships for male and female grad students are very different. Women in medical and law school tend to report higher psychological distress than their male counterparts. One study found that although male medical students more often seek assistance for academic needs, female medical students that strains in trying to meet social roles prompted them to seek help. Nonetheless, men and women can both be stressed and that stress can both impair their relationships. However, by the middle of the first year, women in medical schools reported higher incidences of depression and anxiety than men. Although these symptoms lessened by the end of the first year, female students continued to report more depression and anxiety. While both genders reported stress from the professional training leading to the end of their romantic relationships, it happened more often to female students (at 16%) than male students (at 9%).
Social and cultural pressures for female grad students may cause struggles with role conflict in relationships. Role conflict is when you want to fulfill a personal need but emotionally struggle with doing so because of perceived traditional demands. Recent discussions report that more female grad students are prioritizing career before relationships, however, and male grad students are prioritizing relationships before career.
Research is needed on racial and ethnic minority women on this issue. For example, ethnic minority female students may struggle with traditional cultural beliefs about taking care of their family, particularly if their family is not supportive of their career choice or pursuing higher education. Stress from family may lead to fears of taking a romantic relationship that includes traditional care taking needs, or continuing a relationship the family disapproves of and thus risk further conflict. Research is also needed on how people in same sex relationships navigate the stress and demands of graduate school.
Commonly, role conflict for women can occur when she gives up her needs to fulfill her partner’s needs, which may foster anger and resentment. Or, if she refuses to give up her needs, she may feel guilty. In either case, the emotional stress of the role conflict can challenge a healthy relationship and communication between the partners.
Stress may also arise in dual career couples where both partners are dedicated to building careers and may struggle competitively with each other. As law students, this is especially pertinent given the nature of law school and its inherent competitiveness. In contrast to this, relationships in graduate school can be difficult for women who fear being more successful than their partner, fear not being as successful as their partner, or fear not being seen as successful in either career or relationship. Reactionary decisions from any of these domains tend to increase emotional stress in the relationship, as well as anxiety and depression.
The stress of law school is very specific and can heavily impact your mental health as well as personal relationships in many ways. The juggling of deadlines, integrating new knowledge, memorizing large complex text and history, building aggressive oratory communication skills, perfecting presentation skills, developing analytical skills, etc., can all take a toll on your sense of self and abilities, and even challenge your personality and values. In a 2008 tool kit released from the American Bar Association (ABA), research showed that 20 to 40 percent of law students develop clinical depression by the time they graduate. It is important, then, to learn about the symptoms of depression.
As a female law student, the stress of law school can also be impacted by personal discrimination and gender biases. Ethnic minorities and women in graduate schools continue to graduate at a lower rate than white males, although the number of women earning doctorate degrees is expected to grow at about 30 percent by 2016. In 2009, the Council of Graduate School recognized the need to improve retention and better assist women and ethnic minorities students to overcome barriers and stress.
Given the pressures you are facing and the impact of the very real academic and emotional stress on your sense of self and well being, a supportive relationship requires an open dialogue and understanding both your needs and the needs of the relationship. This does not mean having a debate about whose or which needs are more important but, rather, what you both enjoy and need from building time together. Remember that your boyfriend may not even be questioning the relationship and may think the stress is solely due to academic pressures. He may just be waiting and wanting to ride out the academic stress.
It is also important to note your differences in coping styles and understand and respect them. Both of you are under an extreme amount of stress, and according to the ABA, stress will continue in your professional law career.
If, after a particularly long study session, you want to decompress by taking a run around the park, and do not want to hear anything related to law, tell your boyfriend. If he can hide himself away for hours on end, emerge from his cave with a need to go down to the diner and hash out a law amendment, this also needs to be communicated. You both need to recognize your different coping styles and respect the time allotted for you both to feel supported and be supportive of each other.
Time management also needs to be discussed with ways to check in with each other. Enter into your daily calendars a pop-up message to text or call at least once a day. If you both have books to return to the library, make an outing together of it. If you are literally down the hallway from each other, as you pass each other’s rooms, slide a postcard or post note with a special note under the door. As with life after graduate school, it is the little ways you include the other person in your life that helps you stay connected. Building a routine of support does not mean you always have to be there for each other in the same way, doing the same things. As students with different demands each semester, this would be difficult. Instead, find different things with which to include each other. Choose a different activity at least three times a week with allowance to check in with each other daily. It could be a twenty minute coffee break, a five minute hug in between a morning class, or a short nap together before a long study session. Be creative and make sure you express how much you enjoy each other. More importantly, these relationship activities should not include academic competitive performances.
As noted in the ABA manual, a life balance for practicing lawyers is essential to cope with the stressors of the profession.
Lastly, in moments of uncertainly about the relationship, take a breath. Ask honestly of yourself, are you struggling with role conflict? Is it about being in a dual career relationship and the competitiveness is drowning out emotional needs? Can it be that you are fearing success? Is professional help needed for more significant depression or anxiety? Or, in a very basic way, are you just not attracted to his character, being, or person and feel you have to maintain the relationship out of social and personal expectations?
Let me end this with a story (no, not a Disney one, although it does involve a shoe).
It is about a wonderful woman I know named Ruth. She is not a lawyer but is very experienced on relationships. She is 91 and was married for almost sixty years, to one person. His name was Moe and he passed away just several years ago.
Ruth and Moe met when she was dating someone else. She had no interest in Moe, but he hung around with a group of friends and her sister. One night, when Moe learned Ruth was finally single, he abruptly left a dinner date with friends to call her. She figured “why not.”
On one of their early dates to the symphony, as she was sitting and listening to music, Ruth took off her new and very uncomfortable shoes she had just bought for their very special date. As the last music score ended, she realized she couldn’t get her shoes back on. The lights came up and there she stood in her stocking feet with shoes in hand. When she told Moe she couldn‘t get her new shoes back on, he found it endearing and, afterwards, walked his “Ruthie” home. As they parted for the night, he got her to agree to another date.
Before he passed away, Moe held her hand and said “my Ruthie” his one regret is he couldn’t stay longer with her. To take care of her.
Ultimately, there is a truth to all healthy relationships, despite any amount of stress, demands, or coping. If you can turn to the other person and trust them to take care of you, that you can be vulnerable with them, that you just want to have any amount of time (small or not) with them, and that, if you come to them with shoes in hand… they’ll still want to be with you. No glass slippers needed.
Do you want the doctor to answer your questions? Write editors(@)conducivemag.com. Conducivemag.com will not publish your name. Due to the high volume of mail, Dr. Kieu-Loan will not be able to address each question.
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