Conducive advice columnist, Dr. Kathy Hahner, gives advice on preserving the relationship with one’s parents despite tension over a new do-gooder job.
APRIL/MAY 2010 CONDUCIVE
Dear Dr. Kathy Hahner,
I have recently switched careers after a long time working in a very lucrative field that I hated. I worked for five years for the same company, and I had recently been promoted. No matter how much money they gave to me, though, I didn’t get any satisfaction out of my work. So one day soon after my promotion, I decided I would finally do it. I started looking for a job at a nonprofit agency. I knew that I would have to start from the bottom, and that everything would be new to me. Two months later, I found my dream job. I handed in my notice and walked out the door.
Now I don’t make as much money, but I love what I do and feel like I am making a difference. However, I am having some problems with my parents as a result, specifically my dad. He keeps asking me when I am going to get a real job again. He thinks that I won’t be able to pay my bills with my new job, and that it isn’t the “responsible” choice. I really wish there was some way I could communicate to him how important my work is to me and to others, but he isn’t open to hearing it and says I need to get my head out of the clouds. Please help me. I love the work, but I love my dad too and I want to preserve our relationship.
Dear Can’t Choose…,
Did I miss something here? No one told you that you have to choose between the work you love and your dad. His opinion clearly means a lot to you, and (good for you) it hasn’t made you trade in your values for his. I’m guessing that your father loves you too. He wouldn’t be so worried about your having made what he feels is the wrong choice, one that he believes could cause you financial problems, if he didn’t care about you. I wouldn’t give him an “A” in Parenting 101; he denigrates your career move when he calls it not “responsible” and sees you as having your “head in the clouds.” I personally like clouds. Still, I didn’t read anything in your letter about his threatening to disown you, cut off communication or, in short, make you choose between your job and his love.
I hope you don’t think I’m trivializing your situation. One of life’s cruel lessons is that we sometimes have to go it alone, and just when we need the validation and support of the people closest to us. It hurts to be a disappointment to your dad, and I think it would hurt more, in the long run, to bend to his wishes and violate your principles. It would be different if your job paid so little that you had to sleep on your parents’ couch, with little hope of ever affording your own place. It doesn’t sound like that’s the case, and as long as your job does sustain you, why not practice the fine art of letting your dad’s less than kind remarks go in one ear and out the other?
As for your dad’s constant questions about when you plan to get a “real” job, it might be tempting to answer: “Gosh, I don’t know, I guess…never? I’m very pleased with the job I have now.” I certainly am not suggesting that you say just those words (Dr. Kathy is a tad sarcastic) or that you speak in a disrespectful tone. Maybe it would be more your style to tell your parents how much you love them and appreciate their concern. But please don’t grovel! You say your father isn’t open to hearing your views. He might dismiss what you have to say or take it as an invitation to debate, when there really is no call for debate.
There is a chance that your father will gain respect for you when you show him that you are a self-sufficient adult. Let him see that you appreciate his feedback (inwardly you can give him that “C” in Parenting 101) and that you don’t always need to act according to his beliefs. You aren’t a child who must obey. You’re an adult whose values differ from those of your parents. It doesn’t mean that you have to distance yourself from them, only that you have to go further in what’s called the “individuation process,” that all young people undergo. We become who we are, not extensions of our parents or others in our lives. No one said it was easy, but unless you do it, you won’t be truly happy.
Consider the worst-case (and very unlikely) scenario: Your dad escalates to the point where he does demand that you choose between your job and his emotional support. Then I’d recommend a few sessions with a family therapist. I expect that by letting your parents have their opinions and by working on being your own person, professional help won’t be needed. You showed strength of character when you left an unfulfilling career path and found the relatively low paying job that you love. I think you’ll be strong in your relationship with your parents as well.
Biography:
Dr. Kathryn Hahner is a New York based psychologist in private practice. She earned her Ph.D. in academic psychology, geared toward teaching and research. She also received extensive clinical training and has spent most of her career as a clinical psychologist. Dr. Hahner’s dissertation area was the psychology of humor. She is a stand-up comedian, as well as a musician and award-winning artist. She believes that humor is what she terms, “transcendent,” when it helps us to work through tragedy by transforming it into humor. She considers the late Richard Pryor to be the greatest practitioner of transcendent comedy and tries to follow in his footsteps, while humbly admitting that she has much smaller feet.Dr. Hahner’s passion is to help end animal abuse. She served for years, along with MDs, on the board of directors of an organization that promoted, on scientific grounds, alternatives to animal models in research. Dr. Hahner also advocates for human victims.
Do you want the doctor to answer your questions? Write kathy(@)conducivemag.com We will not publish your name.
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