How can you deal with sexual harassment at work? Dr. Mai Kieu-Loan suggests you go “Kabuki” and be a woman worker warrior.
Yellow Fever
Survivor
By Mai Kieu-Loan
FEBRUARY/MARCH 2010 CONDUCIVE
Dear Dr. Mai Kieu-Loan,
At my former position, I was repeatedly sexually harassed by one of the senior employees. I was a junior employee at a well respected Asian American organization. The man doing the harassing was the lone white employee more than twenty years my senior. All the rest of the employees were Asian American. He called me names like “whore” in front of the junior members and even bragged in front of our male former director and myself that he could get me to perform a sexual act with him. I was to find out later that I was only one of the many single, straight women he harassed (many were even younger than me). The Harasser rarely bothered the married women and all the Asian American women he harassed fit into a similar physical type and unfortunately I also fit in that type.
I finally complained (much too late) to the person in my department handling human resources. She was a married woman and our department’s strongly identified feminist. She did nothing and the Harasser eventually moved from harassing me and directed his energy to a couple of women barely in their 20s. I left my position respecting myself less for taking so long to report my case and angry with the feminist for refusing to intervene in my case when it was her job to do so.
It took me years of training and education to get to this position. I worked hard and I loved it. When I was hired I looked forward to working in an Asian American organization with a mission of challenging racial and gender hierarchies. Now I am still a bit embarrassed to be affiliated with this organization, and embarrassed about the way all of us handled the Harasser.
I did talk to our organization’s Sexual Harassment Officer, who gave me the choices of doing nothing or getting a lawyer and negotiating a monetary settlement. In exchange I would sign a confidentiality agreement where I was to promise to never publicly bring up my case. I was under the impression that the Harasser would stay in his same position and not be penalized for his actions. The organization settled most of their sexual harassment cases in the same way.
I did not consider the lawsuit. I do not want money to come into my life like this. Since I held my tongue for years about what the Harasser did, it turned my stomach to think that my silence would be permanent. I still believe in the organization’s mission and the Harasser is an impediment to its ability to do good.
Even though I have moved on to a better position, I still believe in the potential of this organization to do what it has set out to do. I would like to keep the dialogue open with some of my former colleagues, and I am disappointed that I haven’t tried to do more. Leaving only helped me. It didn’t do anything for the other unmarried Asian American women still there. I started networking with other survivors of workplace sexual harassment. It was very healing. But I still have my guilt and trying to figure if I should even bother looking behind and just move forward.
Signed,
Survivor of Yellow Fever
Dear Survivor of Yellow Fever,
To combat Yellow Fever, one must go “Kabuki.”
It is a common reframe my Asian female psychologist friends and I have made up. Let me share it with you.
It is when one is faced, as an Asian woman, a stereotype of self meant to dis-empower and attempt to subjugate. This is significantly pertinent considering the environment and, literally, the players in your situation. However, one must know the Japanese art of Kabuki was originally performed only by females and was widely successfully until the performers were treated as prostitutes. Once the performers were seen and treated as such, officials felt female performers should no longer be allowed to perform the art. It was felt females eroded the art form. Interesting, isn’t it? The subjugation of women, as all feminists know, oftentimes involves the sexual objectification of woman. You are among a class act of women who can reclaim your voice by going Kabuki.
As a young Asian American professional female, speaking out breaks the mold on keeping silent. Silence, a trait among many traditional Asian cultures to preserve harmony in interdependent relationships, is not as appreciated in more acculturated situations such as a workplace, classroom, or even in the supermarket (for instance, do you stand silently when someone steps in front of you in line?). Ironically, going Kabuki means letting your voice say what you need. Letting your voice sing your need. And, to be seen.
To conceive change for your workplace, for others, for yourself, take back the meaning of Kabuki. Welcome to a class act of women warriors willing to be seen and heard.
You have already taken several steps forward for yourself and the situation. You used your voice to speak to others, you are keeping your eyes open for further incidents, and you are gathering support while still processing what you want and need. Most importantly, you removed yourself from further direct harassment. However, since you are still witnessing the behavior, you are still being impacted. It makes sense you feel unsure and guilty about moving forward since you continue to see the behavior. As I am sure your support group is saying, it is traumatic to witness the same abuse you had to undergo. This is re-traumatizing. Speak to your therapist and support group about grounding techniques and how to use your somatic responses to better self care.
As to your feelings of guilt, it is also understandable given the situation has not really changed and you know: 1) others, who are young and you identify with, are being harassed, 2) choices proposed by the organization do not address the need for organizational change, and 3) your faith in the mission of the organization is challenged.
Your employer is very lucky to have you. Very clearly, you want the best for the organization, believe in the mission, and want to be an active and strong participating member. However, let’s keep in mind that an organization, despite its mission or its presentation to others, will often, internally, protect itself. It is not surprising the solution the organization thinks is best is not the same as what you feel.
Know your legal rights. Don’t let “officials” define the choices and the role you play.
Whether the “official” is a feminist or a senior member of the organization, it may be that the organization cannot see how they are contributing to creating this continued scene.
If you are working in an organization where you are a union member, ask for an ombudsmen, or a mediator. If there is no other mediator other than those you spoke to already in HR, seek external legal advice. Of course, search the official site for the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission and be aware that each state also has their own guidelines in addition to the federal mandates. For instance, the Sexual Harassment Law, originally part of the U.S. Civil Rights Act of 1964, hold employers of more than 15 employees accountable for a hostile environment created by a fellow employee, client, or even a vendor. Once the employer is made aware of the complaint, the company is legally liable for not stopping or changing the behavior. In California, since 2006, employers of more than 50 people are required to provide all supervisors two hours of anti-sexual harassment training every two years.
Know your legal rights. Don’t let “officials” define the choices and the role you play. While going Kabuki does not mean to make a scene while standing atop of the cafeteria table, it does mean to appreciate that communication is an art form and not to go in unprepared or unsure. See the following suggestions on how to prepare.
Legal leverages to consider, other than monetary, is whether the company would agree to provide annual sensitivity trainings for creating a safe work environment that does not allow for hostile, abusive, and harassing behaviors. Many companies also perform annual performance evaluations of all employees, even supervisors. If so, include in the legal agreement that all performance evaluations include the completion of the trainings and a standard for professional behavior including non-harassing, non-sexual, and non-abusive verbal, nonverbal, and electronic communications. If this is agreed upon, have the company define clear grievance policies including investigations of complaints and procedures for counseling of egregious behaviors leading to possible termination of the offending employee. Also, forming a voluntary mentoring committee pairing new employees with senior employees can help new employees learn about the work environment as well as receive support/guidance for difficult situations. However, those participating as senior employees need a full course of training on communication and support in the workplace. There are many possible learning tools to help improve the organizational process. These include the use of 360 Degree Performance Evaluations, Peer Evaluations, and Upward Assessments. Consults are best to implement the initial stages or rounds of evaluations.
Guilt for survivors of abuse and harassment is expected. However, remember, as in any situation with a harasser, you did not create the behavior or the environment. Abusers, actually, depend on you feeling confused and, yes, even guilty and unsure of yourself.
You are already breaking that cycle. When feelings of guilt arise, take a breath, know that no one can take your hard work and achievements away, write down a list of at least five accomplishments, and ask yourself, does the guilt really help you to help others? Or, does the guilt make you feel ashamed, want to hide away and, like the Kabuki women, allow others to censor you?
To conceive change for your workplace, for others, for yourself, take back the meaning of Kabuki. Welcome to a class act of women warriors willing to be seen and heard.
Dear Readers,
When opportunity knocks, I believe in not just answering it, but once you pull it in, lock the door and sit on it until you can chain it to your side. After more than a decade of clinical work as a psychologist, years of research and a strong focus in community service and advocacy for improved access to care, I am thrilled to join Conducive and be part of a community beyond the four walls and that very metaphorical door. As a therapist, I welcome you to share how life is impacting you and how you are looking to impact the life of others. Let’s figure out what the stress and worries are about. As a researcher, I ask you to think about the cultural, gender, social, and developmental factors coloring our lens and influencing who we think we see in the mirror, where we think we are in life, who we feel and dream we can be. Of course, with years in community service, let me be a resource in figuring out how to keep going when you are simmering towards burnout. Whether it’s about time-management, dealing with grief over a loss of a client, returning to work while breast feeding, or sharing with your family plans for a commitment ceremony with your partner, let’s feel it out.
At Conducive, let’s find clarity and make your voice stronger. Lastly, this is also a space for all the students weathering academia and anyone else building a career path to match their passion. Growing a better world works when we can feel energized, supported, and appreciated for our choices to be more learned and successful. Let’s grow you.
Do you want the doctor to answer your questions? Write editors(@)conducivemag.com. Conducivemag.com will not publish your name. Due to the high volume of mail, Dr. Kieu-Loan will not be able to address each question.
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