Conducive’s new columnist, Dr. Kathy Hahner, gives advice on overcoming setbacks and meeting new goals in the New Year.
Disillusioned
With New Year’s
DECEMBER 2009/JANUARY 2010 CONDUCIVE
Dear Dr. Kathy Hahner,
New Year’s can be a depressing time for me. I am ambitious and work hard to fulfill my career goals and my community commitments. But I get down when I think about where I am in my life versus where I wanted to be at the beginning of the year. A few years back my supervisor made a huge mistake and created some minor career repercussions for himself and some major ones for me. It was at a critical time in my career where I was due for a huge promotion and I would have received a salary to finally make me financially stable. Because of this fiasco, it would have been unproductive to stay in my old position. I spent much time and money to learn a new job skill so I changed fields and am working ridiculously hard to play catch up to the other folks in my position.
I can’t help thinking about what would have happened if my supervisor hadn’t screwed up. I would have been in that modest condo I could finally afford, paying every bill every month, and getting the respect of my colleagues. Of course, I have watched my former colleagues buy homes, get married, and have kids. Although I am happier in my new career, it leaves me such little time for any sort of personal life. Then I read all these happy New Year’s inspirational stories about how with a lot of hard work people can remake their careers and lives for the better and be contented people because of it. The last three years have been the hardest of my entire life and more work than I could imagine. I am still waiting for that happy ending.
So I am looking for suggestions to not only cope with my New Year’s disillusionment, but how to cope with those other downers days I have during the year (like my birthday, for instance).
Disillusioned With New Year’s
Dear Disillusioned With New Year’s,
You suffered a serious loss, due to someone else’s mistake. Now you’re working hard in a new field without the success your former one promised. Have you been advised to “be positive?” A friend of mine nearly died because of another’s mistake. She was constantly urged to “be positive,” to “forget the past,” by people who couldn’t handle a bad hair day.
Regrets are understandable, but useless. Our only choice is to live in the present, where we enjoy what there is to enjoy and suffer what there is to suffer. We don’t pretend the past doesn’t exist, and neither can we expect the future to conform to our expectations. This doesn’t mean that we don’t make plans. Sometimes our plans come to fruition; we just can’t assume they will. “Waiting for that happy ending,” to use your words, probably isn’t the best strategy.
As I told my friend, to deny emotional pain is like letting a wound fester. No platitudes from me about the good things in your life. As I’ve long suspected, a positive attitude isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, and, for years, data have supported this notion. (For example, “Is Finding Something Good in the Bad Always Good?” in the journal, Health Psychology, Vol. 23, 2004.) What helps us overcome loss is a fighting spirit, not a positive attitude. You changed directions and are determined; clearly, you have a fighting spirit.
When you experience an “I could have been” thought, say “stop!” If you’re alone, say “stop!” firmly and out loud. As you say it, tap a surface, such as the arm of a chair where you’re sitting. Let’s say the thought recurs after the first “stop!” Say it again. In time, you may only have to think “stop!” to nip thoughts in the bud.
To sum up: You had a right to be hurt, but now the pain is siphoning off your energy into depression. You have a fighting spirit, necessary for overcoming loss. I hope you’ll add thought stoppage to your repertoire of survival tools, and use it when thoughts of what could have and should have been zap your sense of wellbeing.
Dr. Hahner’s dissertation area was the psychology of humor. She is a stand-up comedian, as well as a musician and award-winning artist. She believes that humor is what she terms, “transcendent,” when it helps us to work through tragedy by transforming it into humor. She considers the late Richard Pryor to be the greatest practitioner of transcendent comedy and tries to follow in his footsteps, while humbly admitting that she has much smaller feet.
Dr. Hahner’s passion is to help end animal abuse. She served for years, along with MDs, on the board of directors of an organization that promoted, on scientific grounds, alternatives to animal models in research. Dr. Hahner also advocates for human victims.
Do you want the doctor to answer your questions? Write kathy(@)conducivemag.com Due to the high volume of mail, Dr. Hahner will not be able to address each question. We will not publish your name.
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